September 10th, 2019
I never thought this storm would have fought for so long.
Roaring with rage. Destruction. Swiping everything from your dreamy paradise and chaotically designing it into a red painted battle zone.
Confused is the only word I can think of as all these memories flood my head. I’m drowning in my past. And, I realize what’s anchoring me down.
I can almost bet you had the thought it was you that had been keeping me under water. But, that’s not true at all.
I am the one to blame. As, I’ve lost sight of who I am. I have lost the love I had for myself, for this world. Why?
I slip of the edge of this spiraling path, and into the deep raging water I go.. I put others before me, help them. I can’t swim to shore. I forget about myself. I run from my problems and help others with theirs.. My lungs fill with fluid. Where’s all my courage?
It’s great that I care of helping others so much. But am I doing it for my own selfish reasons. Wait? Who am I? I have never felt so suffocated.
I began to question myself. Why’s? What if’s? I wish they could see me for me, why do I care so badly? Times to where I have full on panic attacks??? I’ve not had these previously.. Who am I? I can’t answer that.
Oh, I wish you only knew how bad I wanted to be with you. But the love we had shared grew to hatred. And, we are both to blame. I threw the red flag, it was for life or death reasons. The storm that ran through us could have been much more destructive.
The everlasting good times appeared often as well.. We have a one of a kind soul connection. I never want to leave your side, I wanted to have your last name. I wanted it so badly, I could almost picture the very exact moment of our “I do’s” like it has already happened.
That side of you makes me hurt to leave. I want your affection, your touch. The sweet forehead kisses you give me. It makes me almost want to stay..
But if I stay, nothing will change. I have continued to neglect my mental health, and have continued to be a toxic addition in your life. And, I’ve never once wanted to harm you or cause you stress and pain.
I am not only running from my problems now, but from this relationship. So, I mentioned a friendship and someone to chill with and you had agreed. Only to find out that it would be much harder than that. They way you said how badly you just wanted to touch me.. I had the exact thoughts too. Affection again, and now we are confused.
There is no us, so why are there questions. Why are you upset because of my actions? I cant believe you hadn’t considered my thoughts. Confusion, both our minds. What are we doing? Seperation.
Alone, in my room. Learning more about myself. Doing things I love, and taking care of myself. Not for one second think that you’re not constantly running through my mind. I hear this healing thing, takes some time.
Time. Time is constant. It’s all we have…
Don’t be sad when you think of me… I’d love it if thoughts of me would bring good memories and make you laugh!
I’m slowly weaning away from things I can’t seem to change, thoughts that are always on replay. I have got to take time to love myself. Find myself. And, find the courage to overcome the obstacles of my mental health.
Then maybe one day, I can be the woman I know I can be and the woman you wanted me to be too…
Today, I am a free soul wondering through the lands of this planet.. Gaining wisdom, and learning from experiences.