The Lonely Stoner

January 14th, 2019

So easily, I get very lost. Trying to find my way out of my head, but I keep drowning with thoughts.

With knowing the consequences from my actions I continue on, I can go from doing so well to being in the toughest spots.

To everyone that sees me, loves my oh so happy vibing soul. Time and time again, they remind me.

Just right under my skin though, I’m hurting. My thoughts take me under. But, that’s a part of me no one barely sees.

I only think of my negative traits. I hear how others view me. A p.o.s. mom with an addiction, I guess that’s the path I chose.

My therapist said I am so much more. To stop and think of what else I am. A mother, an nurturer, an artist. She’s right, I suppose.

How do I keep this pain hidden so well. Where is my strength when I am alone? Now, I’ll call myself a weak fake.

Most days I feel I’m wearing a mask. From one personality to another. I don’t even know who I am, or how much more I can take.

For a second I have hope as my kids jump through my head. Then the negativity hits, and these thoughts are never wrong.

My kids will never forgive me for all the pain I’ve caused. Do my kids think of me as and addict or do they see me as their loving nurturing mom?

Suicidal thoughts rage, all the chaos I have made.. Theres no turning back and fixing your past. I constantly remind myself daily.

I know the things I need to do, i know my potential and worth I think. I had to stop and think on it. Then, there it was. The answer too it all. I got to save myself, no one else can save me….

Thoughts I gander on when I’m all alone.

The title of this poem is sorta in so song lyrics. My little sister called me the lonely stoner.

Xoxo.

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