January 14th, 2020
Someone told me to talk about things. To have a voice. Tell someone your pain, do not hold it in.
They said how much a therapy session relieved so much thoughts that made their head spin.
I wanted to believe them, but I’ve explained some. Reached out to people, but still needed more.
Its just the way life is what they’d say, some say for a door to open, you must close the previous door.
My life had been spiraling out of control. What if I have no more doors left? I am the only one to blame.
I am pathetic for whining about it, I have to own up to my mistakes. I’ll have to wear the letter S. To show everyone my shame.
I was on the verge of suicide. From what a burden to others I was to all the pain inside. This would have been attempt number two.
When I searched for someone to hear my thoughts, I had millions I could talk with. Now, I realized I couldn’t even reach out to a few..
There has to be something I am missing. Unsure how much longer I can last. I’m so close to giving up.
I call one more place, I begged for their understanding. Because, right now in that very moment I felt I wasn’t enough.
Ma’am we don’t have an opening, in the next few months or so we can schedule. She sounded so happy to explain.
I don’t have enough time to wait, I need help now. My thoughts have been twisted, my mind has gone insane.
My words, suddenly someone cancelled. The operator asked would this time and date work for you?
Yes ma’am please, as soon as you can.. My strength is gone and my will power is too.
My anxiety was so strong. I was doing my best with staying patient. It seemed like the time was going so slow.
Eager to talk to a professional, and get things off my chest that I had guilt for and never wanted anyone to know.
For the day came, and there I was sitting with tears in my eyes. Emotions are heavy I can barely breathe.
I enter her space, some relief already. She told me she was happy to meet me. Those words took me to my knees.
Ya see, that’s the first time I felt someone meant it. I vented away for longer than ever.
Questioning this and that, she’s seen it all and she said firmly, you must never give up. I mean never.
My therapist was so accepting. Wanting to help me find the answers. She had so many words of advice.
I need to stop dwelling on the things I have no control over?. Stop pleasing people I despise.
I walk out of her door, already thinking about the next visit. Feeling so much better than I did walking in. I now have a clearer vision..
That’s how much pain I got to express to my therapist at my first therapy session.