February 6th, 2020
Silently, I count how many days I have til my life will end..
I’m a daughter, a mother, a lover, and a friend.
How did things get so disastrous in just an instant?
I pretend on most days I am so happy, but I have those days when I just can’t.
I have family being neglected, friends putting knives in my back, and then I see my kids, oh god.
That’s what’s got me feeling all this pain.. I grab all those blue colored pills. As they kick in I start to nod.
The letters to my kids are under my pillow. When I’m gone forever, there’s a few things I need you to promise me…
The most important is to tell my kids I was a good person, that I loved them and I never meant to cause them pain. I will always be their mommy.
Let them know as I left the earth, my pain ended and I took their pain too.
That they deserve the happiest life. I couldn’t get that part done. Mommy don’t deserve you.
These pills got me gone. I look over at the table top and there laid some bullets and a shiny chrome gun.
Sweat pours off my skin. I’m not safe to be around. I am no longer any fun.
No longer myself, my demons have me so captivated. For months now I’ve been crying out for help. Suicidal thoughts overtake me.
I tell my demons the opposite of no. I have clearly become weak.
The chrome pistol, I bought for protection is how I end my life.
My life that’s out of control, believe it or not I used to be the best mother and wife.
My spirit has been imprisoned, I see everyone dressed in black.
I see people on their knees, begging god to bring me back.
My selfish soul left behind many different people. The pain, I’ve caused them yet again.
My mind and the demons work together and trick me, what a tragic way for my life to end.
A few months will go by and people forget about who I am I just know.
Beside my beautiful children, who will always live with this empty hole and sorrow.
I cry out to them, “Oh forgive me my loves, can you hear me? Answer me please.”
They continue on and keep walking. Alive on the earth I was a prisoner, no one would let me be.
I took my own life to be done with the pain. So many ways I hurt.
Just be sure they spread my ashes across the earth’s crust and into the universe.
*I’m okay. Promise. This is how I felt last year around this time.*