Shame

DECEMBER 5TH, 2020,

.

These noisy city streets full of people can often appear chaotic, but lately it has gone unnoticed by me as my thoughts begin to drift and my mind becomes increasingly fixated on the chaos within.

The hurt can be so overwhelming, to the point that I’ve nearly taken my own life to relieve it. I can barely sleep at night, as this burden that I bear during these dark times leaves me silently crying for help.

As days turn to months, I start to see the cycle I can’t seem to break. I get myself so worked up about even the smallest of things, and that can get me into some silly situations.

Its crazy to think, “Ok just this one last time… it’ll be fine,” as though I could magically make it all better with a snap of my finger. It’s that sort of logic that got me in this mess to begin with.

So what am I to do with all of this hurt and sadness, and anger and pain? I alone did not cause this, so who shall I blame. Sharing is caring they say, and the more you care, the more I shall share… Until I look around to point the finger and no one is there.

I am to blame for these dark emotions I feel everyday.. I’m hurting so badly, sadness from deep within, which causes me to become full of anger and then sudden emptiness on a repeated cycle. I can’t explain my mind, my emotions, or nothing. All I see is SHAME.

Shame, is what I feel when I ponder on where my pain arises, pin pointing and narrowing down the possible problems that cause my troubles and it points back to the one same thing every time. This it how it goes..

I’m the only one to blame for this feeling of shame. The pain I have created for myself. The way I’ve hurt those I love the most. And to the one person I have hurt the most… The love I have is never ending. I’m up at my highs and in seconds flat on my lows.

Shame is tied in with suicidal thoughts, those late hours i cried, wondering if its my time to die? Only to continue on and live every day thinking of all my wrongs.

My pain is alot from the shame. I can’t seem to numb myself enough to not feel a thing. So, I get high and ease my brain. Tell my self i’ll be okay. Asking myself if I should go or stay. And wonder if you’d wanna come along?

That doesn’t even touch base with my emotions and thoughts from one second to the next, not one stays for too long.. From days of dark sadness to instant joy and contentment. To lashing out with anger and only wanting to run away. Finally for hours I’m crying so much I can barely move, begging myself to take the rope down searching for another soul. To feeling so selfish and regret… To only be the blame.

I’ll continue on wearing this S on my chest to and walk this road of Shame.

Xoxo.

AMBER P

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