DECEMBER 5TH, 2020
In a city of noise, the streets full of people and chaos. For some reason the only chaos I see is myself.
I hurt so badly that I’ve almost taken my life. The burden and dark times… I could barely sleep at night.. I was silently crying for help.
Days turn to months, I see the cycle I can’t seem to break. I get my self all worked up. To only get myself in silly situations.
Its crazy to think, “this one last time is fine” and that every thing will be better with a snap of my finger. Then I remember that I’m no magician.
Searching for my soul, I lost her months ago. What am I to do when i realize I’m alone hurting, full of sadness and pain. Just angry at whoever is around. Only to realize after looking around that I am the only one here. I am the one to blame.
I am to blame for these dark emotions I feel everyday.. I’m hurting so badly, sadness from deep within, which causes me to become full of anger and then sudden emptiness on a repeated cycle. I can’t explain my mind, my emotions, or nothing. All I see is SHAME.
Shame, is what I feel when I ponder on where my pain arises, pin pointing and narrowing down the possible problems that cause my troubles and it points back to the one same thing every time. This it how it goes..
I’m the only one to blame for this feeling of shame. The pain I have created for myself. The way I’ve hurt those I love the most. And to the one person I have hurt the most… The love I have is never ending. I’m up at my highs and in seconds flat on my lows.
Shame is tied in with suicidal thoughts, those late hours i cried, wondering if its my time to die? Only to continue on and live every day thinking of all my wrongs.
My pain is alot from the shame. I can’t seem to numb myself enough to not feel a thing. So, I get high and ease my brain. Tell my self i’ll be okay. Asking myself if I should go or stay. And wonder if you’d wanna come along?
That doesn’t even touch base with my emotions and thoughts from one second to the next, not one stays for too long.. From days of dark sadness to instant joy and contentment. To lashing out with anger and only wanting to run away. Finally for hours I’m crying so much I can barely move, begging myself to take the rope down searching for another soul. To feeling so selfish and regret… To only be the blame.
I’ll continue on wearing this S on my chest to and walk this road of Shame.