March 30th, 2021 – The night before treatment I was obviously a chaotic mess. I’m sure my story is comparable to many addicts stories 24 hours prior to rehab. What a shame.
I had been trying to use as much as I could, because I knew it was going to be the last time. Its so weird how bad you want recovery but you continue to use until you are out or you die. Unless you’re like me, and you decide to get help because you have a desire to live.
I had purchased a motel room for myself and stayed up all night doing stupid shit. Like Tiktoks I looked absolutely disgusting in, or plucking my eyebrows… You know tweeker shit. Just thinking of my disease and how bad it was makes me so nauseas.
The time was flying by, before I knew it my Mom was waiting outside my motel room honking her horn. I was contemplating on not answering my door and saying fuck it though. Why? Because I was about to be stuck in a vehicle for two hours with two people who made my childhood a living hell… Why do I want to give them the pleasure of seeing me at my worst.
I was already so uncomfortable with the brave decision I made to go to rehab. But, the car ride was going to be the worst part. Needless to say my anger and anxiety was so rapid. Thankfully that exhausted me and I slept every minute of the ride to Lawrence Kansas.
Finally, we make it to First Step At Lakeview which is the women’s inpatient treatment center I admitted myself into with the help of an amazing substance abuse counselor in Chanute. I will never forget that lady. She’s one of my earth angels.
The intake coordinator said not to be a second late, and with my moms track record of intentionally fucking shit up for me I was thankful I had made it on time. Other wise, they wouldn’t have allowed me to check in.
I thought I’d never see the day of 28 and crying goodbye to my mom. So happy to be leaving the presence of her and her husband. But oh so fearful and nervous for what I had signed myself up for.
Here I am, in a rehab facility at 28 years old watching my mom and her husband pull away. 28 days with complete strangers, emotions that can’t be numbed, and some hopeful progression…
Let’s do this…
Stay tuned for my next piece of my story. “DETOX”